


what if we were chillin' in our friends' hot tub, and we were both guys

by grumpy_squirrel



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (and then they kiss), Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dialogue Heavy, Fluff without Plot, Hot Tub, Humor, I love me some tropes, M/M, Massage, Multi, TWO BROS CHILLIN' IN A HOT TUB HALF FEET APART CAUSE THEY'RE-, background ships are more like implied but intended as Shadowgast Fjorclay and Beauyashter, merry Artagan Day you fools, wow the tags are a mess as I remember things. I almost forgot to tag Essek ;-;
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:20:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23430820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grumpy_squirrel/pseuds/grumpy_squirrel
Summary: the mighty nein, a hot boi and his echo knight brother walk into a bar... and a familiar paladin is already there
Relationships: Darrow Allocke/Verin Thelyss, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 57





	what if we were chillin' in our friends' hot tub, and we were both guys

**Author's Note:**

> Did I just write 1.7k words of crack with two himbos that wouldn't really meet in canon under normal circumstances and that one of them doesn't even exist yet in this established canon that we know? Yes, yes I did. If Fjord doesn't want Darrow then Verin's _right here_
> 
> It _might_ eventually turn out to be underage flirting (or at the very least a decent age gap. idk, elves are really weird, leave me alone) if we learn more about Essek's brother in canon, but for now it's a crack free real estate. and no better day to post a crack fic than April Fool's
> 
> This silly little thing is dedicated to Fio and Ali who encouraged me instead of stopping this madness
> 
> This fic was written and posted exclusively to AO3. If you're seeing it elsewhere - they do not have my permission to display or share it #

The Mighty Nein are a special group. You can never know where they'll go, when they'll leave, or what they'll do next. They rarely know that themselves.

Darrow Allocke isn't particularly familiar with their habits, though, and so, he can't help the surprise in his voice as he recognises their familiar faces. He beckons them to his table with a wave, never expecting to meet them in a really fancy inn in the middle of Rosohna, where he was getting bored out of his mind waiting for the rest of his expedition to catch up.

"Ah, Darrow! Weird seeing you here, didn't you say you worked for the empire?"

"Crazy times, am I right, Fjord? War's over... not much to do. Quick trip here, then back to the Coast."

"Oh wow, we _just_ came back from the ocean!"

"I heard, I heard. Good job, my friends!"

Beau's staring with shifting eyes, the group kinda taken aback. Then there's Essek and Verin looking at each other equally nervously. When the group invited them to celebrate, they definitely thought the Mighty Nein had something much different in mind.

"So... w-who's this?" Verin stammers out, confused, biting on his lip nervously. His brother's friends, and their friends, sure are... something special.

"Where are my manners? Darrow Allocke, my pleasure! I’m supposed to be on muscle duty, but I appear to have... lost her, for the time? Ah, I'm sure the lady will be fine, she brought other guards too, she can go where she pleases."

"She?" Beau sharply turns her head towards him, suddenly interested.

"Ah, shouldn't have said that. Empire business!"

"Come on, man. It's not like we actually care what you're doing."

“I do!”

"So who are you two? You weren't with the Mighty Nein the last time," Darrow subtly changes the subject as he points at the two drow.

"Oh yeah, the last time he saw us we were in those spa robes, Essek, we teleported in them. It was very breezy," Jester nods sagely and smiles as she clues him in with a conspiratorial whisper.

"You stole _spa robes?!_ Essek, you can't be serious. They're _thieves!"_

"I am quite aware," Essek deadpans with a quiet huff of laughter, shaking his head. He still remembers that prank fondly, even if he didn't see the sheer hilarity of them apparently arriving at the Lucid Bastion in just towels...

"Wait, you took those spa robes? Do you still have them? I could bring them back," Darrow's eyes start to dart between them all, looking for any sign that it's just a joke.

"Oh yeah they're in our house here, somewhere. They’re really comfy."

"You... you have a house in Rosohna?"

"Crazy, right?"

"Maybe don't tell that to anyone. Especially your client, whoever she is."

"Nice try, Beau."

"Thanks, Veth."

"Well, we can take you to our house. We could have some tea, maybe chill in the hot tub…”

"You... have a house in Rosohna... with a hot tub?" Darrow's jaw couldn't possibly fall lower. Or so he thinks, but the evening is still young.

"I was just as surprised as you are, and my family gave them the house…"

Quick march from the inn and they find themselves in the cold but cozy walls of their Xhorhaus. Veth pays overdue for her service to their new housekeeper, and she begrudgingly starts heating up the hot tub. Caduceus prepares them tea and some quick bite sandwiches. Beau pulls out a bottle of wine, no one really sure where'd it came from, but they know better than to question her ways. She takes some glasses upstairs and fills them, bringing some juice as an afterthought.

At last, they're all in various states of naked in the water. And then there's Essek, who’s dangling his legs and sipping on his wine on the edge of the tub. It feels pretty cramped, even with him and Veth refusing to get in the water after their recent sea adventures. It's not even that they're taking a lot of space... Darrow's personality is just that warm, and loud, and oddly comfortable.

Fjord's to his right, stealing sandwiches from Caduceus's plate, chatting idly with Jester across the tub _._

Darrow feels a gentle nudge to his left, and turns to face the bright eyes of the taller of the two drow, his stature of lean muscle and broad shoulders.

"In all this chaos I don't believe we've been introduced. Verin Thelyss, I'm kind of a big deal here." He presents his wet hand, which the other promptly shakes.

"Darrow. My pleasure! Your hair is really cool, Verin. Unique texture."

"It's wet."

"Oh I meant earlier. So poofy, and cute hairstyle!"

"Your hair is really long."

"I know, right? It's a nightmare!"

Verin laughs nervously and nods. "I could… cut it for you later, if you'd like."

"By the Dawnfather, no! I like my hair."

"You just said it's a nightmare. I don't even have patience for maintaining this." He points out his flopped sidecut of wet hair falling onto his shoulder.

"Now you're getting it," Darrow responds with a wide smile and a wink.

Essek's progressively more wide eyes have been darting between those two since this conversation started, and he catches with the corner of his eye that Fjord is staring too. Jester notices Fjord's distraction and looks around to find the source. She gets Caduceus’s attention across the tub, who glances knowingly and starts chuckling. Soon enough the whole group is observing with certain trepidation painted all over their faces.

"Do you want like, some privacy, guys?" Beau snorts loudly and looks over just in time to see Jester waggling her eyebrows.

"I just remembered I have important research to share with Caleb immediately, I better go find him."

"I'm right here," a muffled, bubbling voice comes from underneath the water, Caleb's head emerging short after. "What research though? You better show me, ja?"

"Right." Essek clears his throat and stands up quickly, not waiting for a reaction.

The rest follows out just as fast. Caduceus leaves the plate with leftover sandwiches just in case and closes the door.

"Well, that was... awkward," Verin feels like it should be what he's feeling, but he doesn't seem too bothered. "I forgot they were here."

Neither does Darrow. "Say, how about I buy you a corndog someday, to compensate for this mess? I realise our friends don't normally keep anyone this close, and it's kinda their fault..."

"It's weird actually, now that you mention it. I've never seen Essek so… happy. Maybe they are good for him. But if I catch _him_ stealing anything, Luxon help me..."

"On the topic, I think we stole their hot tub."

"It's very relaxing in here. I haven't had such treatment since... I don't even remember."

Darrow laughs, "They work their magic in mysterious ways. Funny group, good people. They invited me to a spa, too!"

"How didn't you catch them stealing towels?"

"Oh, I left."

"When they were stealing stuff?"

"No, earlier. If I knew, I would've stayed of course!"

"Okay, good."

"You're really tense, Verin. Even despite where we are. It's not just their petty theft that's bothering you, huh."

"I've got a lot of pressure on my shoulders," the cheerful demeanor falls as he deflates with a deep sigh.

"Do tell. Maybe you want a massage? I'd love to help."

Verin stammers for a moment, considering it. Never expose your back to enemy's attacks. And while they're on neutral ground, Darrow still works for the enemy. Or does he? He mentioned the Coast, too... Verin looks into his warm, brown eyes and decides to give in. His muscles are really tense after all, he tells himself. _Nothing weird about it._ "Sure."

The paladin puts his big, strong, calloused hands on the drow’s small shoulders, making him groan loudly at the first knead.

“You good?”

“Oh yeah, this is really- yes, right here.”

Darrow works his magic, loosening all the knots of his sore muscles. Soft gasps escape the drow's lips once in a while, his eyes fully closed now.

Verin is so relaxed, he unknowingly manifests a mass of shadowy energy right next to him. He only realises when Darrow's hands freeze on his shoulders in the middle of a very gentle press, and he opens one eye with a quirked eyebrow. Darrow's strongly fighting his fight or flight response, but calms down when he hears the drow chuckle.

"Oh man, I can't believe that happened. I usually can control these so well."

"What- what is it?"

Verin explains in deadpan tone, like it's the most natural thing in the world, "Oh, you know, just an echo of my potential past self, probably the one in which you knocked me out and left me to drown. Or the one who followed your lead in relieving the tension of this heated moment in much more interesting ways than massage. Hard to tell, really. They just kinda appear, but they no longer exist, since I’m on this current path now, so. Don't worry about it.”

"That is... a lot."

"It's just a part of me, you know. Like the Lay on Hands you worked into my back instead of a sword or a hidden dagger." Verin smirks, but his eyes crinkle at the corners.

Darrow blushes and bites on his lip, probably going through five stages of grief in a flash. Then, "My faith doesn’t allow me to, ah, indulge in certain activities, but… would you like a kiss, perhaps?"

"I thought you’d never ask," Verin purrs and leans in to steal a quick kiss from the human's lips, registering at the back of his head that Darrow chases slightly after him. "How about we get out of water? My body feels like a raisin."

"Good point."

They leave the tub in no rush, exchanging another kiss or two or three... or a full makeout session, pinning each other to the door in a relentless contest, dripping water all over the floor.

They head out at last, and instantly notice the Mighty Nein acting _truly inconspicuously_ in their living room. Essek holds his head in his palms, sighing loudly and Caleb's patting his shoulder, no Caduceus or Fjord in sight, the girls pretending to braid their already braided hair, and then there’s Veth. Veth, who points an accusing finger at the two of them and yells, instantly making them blush. "Caleb, quick, I need you to cast Widogast's Post-Coitus Clean-Up on the hot tub!”


End file.
